Monday, July 13, 2015

The Square Peg - Seriously... I don't care what you ate.

Seriously... I don't care what you ate.
Copyright S. Bradley Stoner

Social media. It's a great way to exchange ideas, share amusing anecdotes, and show folks interesting places you've been or that project you're working on. It can be informative, open your horizons to new galaxies, and show you what the planets in our solar system look like. It's a great place to find new books, connect with those with common interests, and amuse you all at the same time. But what's with those iPhone and Android pictures of food you've been served at a local greasy spoon? Seriously... I don't care what you ate. I don't even care about what you plan to eat.

First off, food pictures just don't look good unless they're taken in a studio with proper lighting, lots of filters, and likely some assistance from food coloring. That plate of eggs you got at IHOP this morning is enough to make me lose my appetite for breakfast... and I love breakfast. It's the best meal of the day as far as I'm concerned. But, day-um... those eggs have a definite greenish hue to them in that digital masterpiece you posted. You could use if for a Dr. Seuss illustration.

And what about that picture you posted of a Mickey D's double bacon cheese burger and fries? Who the heck takes pictures of a fast food hamburger? And more importantly, why? Besides... didn't you notice that fly crawling on your fries? I did... big as day. Nasty. Now you've ruined Mickey D's for me. At least tell me where that one was so I can avoid it. Find a better place to eat, for crying out loud... you've posted those digital disasters of your lunch there six days in a row. That can't be healthy.

To whomever posted those pictures of their homemade tuna casserole, meatloaf, and macaroni salad, I have just one word. Don't. Not ever again. The casserole looked like cat upchuck, the meatloaf like what your dog leaves in the back yard, and the macaroni salad like gray matter on one of those NCIS autopsy scenes. I don't need that. I don't think anybody needs it. Please don't do it anymore. Ever.

That picture you posted of sushi and oysters. You know who you are. Yeah, that one you took the selfie of with the party all making a duck face... all I wanted to do was load my 12 gauge. I don't like oysters in the first place. They're slimy.. and they looked slimy in the snappy. The sushi wasn't much better. I've used bait that looked better than that.

You thought that photo of your backyard barbeque was great. You were obviously proud of whatever it was you had marinated, slathered sauce on, and slapped on the grill. But honestly, it looked like fresh road kill behind a curtain of smoke. And your description, "Our Saturday Barbeque," gave no clue as to whether you were having squirrel, rabbit, or possum. Frankly, I don't want to know.

Write me a recipe... tell me how to make whatever it was you thought was so delicious. Just don't post pictures of it. You'll ruin it for me. I'm perfectly capable of visualizing what a sage dressing stuffed quail looks like. I can see that slow roasted brisket in my mind's eye. I can almost taste that five-bean salad, the Boston baked beans, and that salmon on a cedar slab. Just don't illustrate it. It'll kill my appetite.

If you keep it up, I'm going to start posting pictures of exotic foods like monkey brains and sheep's eyes. How would you like that? Yeah, I didn't think so. I know you like to eat... everybody likes to eat. Write about it if you must, tell us how delicious it was, but leave the iPhones and Androids in your pocket. Put that selfie stick away. Seriously... I don't want to see your breakfast, lunch, or dinner pictures. I don't even want to see pictures of your in between meal snacks. And I definitely don't want to see them with duck face selfies in the background.