Monday, July 6, 2015

The Square Peg - It Ain't About The Bait, Baby.

It Ain't About The Bait, Baby.
Copyright S. Bradley Stoner

I was in the local grocery store in the late morning the other day. Mind you, I HATE the grocery store in mid-morning... it's filled with women shopping WITHOUT a list, browsing shelves and paying absolutely no attention to where their cart is aimed. This is why I (and most men) prefer to hit the aisles at three A.M. But  that subject we'll save for later. In any case, I wound up in a line... a loooong line. On the Express Lane - 15 Items or Less. Either the ladies in front of me couldn't count, or they just felt entitled. After all, they're women with responsibilities and they're multitasking. They're checking the impulse specials near the register, thumbing through the latest tabloid or Cosmo, and talking to one another... all at the same time. But that's a subject for another blog as well. It took me a few years to realize that women will talk to other women in a check out line even if they don't know each other. And that was what was happening on that particular morning.

I really wasn't paying much attention. Most of what women say in check out lines comes across to me as 'waaaa... wa wa waa wa... wa wa...' You get my point. Some things, however will prick up my ears. Such things generally involve something about men. Yep, that will get my attention. I'm always in the market for insights into the female mind when it comes to men. As the comedian says, "I are one."

In any case, two young women ahead of me... probably in their mid to late twenties and reasonably attractive... pretty even... were lamenting the fact that, "there just aren't any good men out there... or they are all taken." The one in the front caught me looking and listening, lowered her voice and shot me the look. Do they teach that or is it something those of the female persuasion are born with? Inquiring minds want to know. At that point, my mind wandered off and considered why they might not be able to land a good man. There isn't a shortage of them... really there isn't. And they aren't all "taken." Although the really good ones are usually snapped up pretty quick if they are inclined to matrimony. On the other hand, there are lots of good men out there who, quite frankly are not so inclined. I know. I was one for many years. So here's some advice, ladies... you can lure them in... let's face it, y'all have the right bait... so it ain't about the bait, baby. But if you want to land them you'd better have a strong line, a sharp hook and a really good net. And no bait and switch... they'll disappear downstream so fast it'll make your head spin. (Did you see what I did there? Fish in the sea... oh never mind).

So, once you spot the stud of your dreams... you know that hunky guy with the chiseled features, bulging muscles, and devastating smile... just remember plenty of other cowgirls have tried to throw a loop on them and come up short. Good luck on cutting him from the herd... that stallion likes his freedom and odds are there are some village people checking his conformation out as well. I'm not saying you have to settle on a sturdy plow horse... just don't overlook them... they're reliable and not nearly so hard to corral. (Okay, okay... that was gratuitous for all the Texas gals. And I know it).

Okay, let's say you have identified your good man, your handsome hero if you will... the one that gets your motor running... how do you reel him in? Hint, premarital ya-ha ain't the answer. Test drives make him wonder how far that car has been driven... and how often it's been traded in. What you need to do is find his Achilles heel, and wrench that sucker for all it's worth. That requires that you listen... with all your senses. Note what things make his breathing pick up and his eyes dilate (besides you, that is). (Whoa... talk about mixing metaphors in a single paragraph... Oh shut up, I know what I'm doing).

If he says he has to go to the Home Depot or Lowes (I'm not going to discriminate here... each one has its appeal) when you say the word "shopping." it's a safe bet he likes tools... or barbeques. You need to find out which, but either one can be an asset. If its Cabela's or Bass Pro Shop, you can bet you'll be a fishing or hunting widow during those seasons if you don't share the passion, but you'll never go hungry. If it's museums or the library, you've got a thinker... and probably a good conversationalist. If it's all of those, you just hit the husband material lottery jackpot. If he's so far into video games that he has spatulas for thumbs, bloodshot eyes, permanent butt prints in the sofa, and trouble keeping a job... run... run fast. The only thing he's Pac-ing is hooked to a computer or X-Box and it isn't worth having.

So, now that you know his weakness or weaknesses, you've got to exploit them. You've got to feed the need, as it were. For example, I'm a tool guy. Tap the trigger on a power drill and my head snaps around like Bruce Lee looking for an opening. Turn on a table saw and I positively drool. With a guy like me, you can put old Pavlov to shame. I also like museums... yep, especially those little out of the way ones that are hard to find and twice as rewarding when you do. All you have to do is pay attention to the signs on the back roads of America. Fishing and hunting... oooh yeah! Lose me in the lures... banish me to the boats, displace me among the decoys, pass me by the pistols... just don't rush me. I'm in heaven. Sorry, I'm taken... besides, I'm probably too old for you. Keep looking.

Once your man is in masculine Nirvana, then... AND ONLY THEN, can you slip in a dulcet voiced, "Let's stop by the mall..." or "I need to pick up a few things at the grocery store..." or "Let's stop by the Walmart..." If he goes willingly, you've just bagged the prize.  I hate the Walmart, by the way, and will do almost anything to avoid it. I'm still vulnerable when I'm in Nirvana though. In a few years, you will have completely humanized the beast. Crook your finger and he'll come like a faithful Irish Setter. BUT... forget to give him his annual dose of vicarious virility and he'll turn on you like a Pit Bull with attitude.

So now you know, single ladies... good luck and good hunting.