The Square Peg - A Little Piece of Heaven Right Here in Texas
© S. Bradley Stoner
Apparently Duncan Donutz noticed I was gone on Sunday. Yep, I was. Funny, I don’t notice the comings and goings of my neighbors. I’m not sure whether I’m just not observant or I just don/’t care. I suspect it’s the latter. Matter of fact, the only time I notice my neighbors are gone is when they ask me to watch their property when they go on a trip. I’m happy to do that... we don’t get much crime in this neighborhood. Now, that may be due to the fact that we live in a fairly affluent area or it might be due to the fact that most of us own firearms and have concealed carry permits. In any case, hardcore criminals tend to find easier pickings elsewhere. The biggest incident we’ve had in the entire time we’ve lived here was when a bunch of kids slashed tires all over the neighborhood. I guess they didn’t have anything exciting to do that night. They skipped our house... I have motion sensor lights and I guess they didn’t want to be spotlighted. In any case, they got caught. End of problem. Back to Duncan.
“So, what were you up to?” he asked.
“My neck in alligators,” I replied.
“Ha-ha... funny. No really... where’d you go?”
“Oh, we decided to take a little drive. You know, we’ve been cooped up for a while and cabin fever was starting to set in. Besides, my feet were getting itchy.”
“They have a powder for that,” Duncan said laconically.
“Touché. I guess I deserved that.” I could tell he wasn’t going to let it go until I told him what I’d been up to... or at least where I had gone. Duncan can get a little peevish if he thinks he’s been left out of a golf outing or a fishing trip. “Well, we really were just out for a drive, but then we found ourselves on 35 north... and you know what that leads to.”
“Cabela’s... that nook of Nirvana for the hopelessly addicted outdoorsman.”
“Oh man,” Duncan said miserably, “I wish you’d have told me. The wife took me to the mall... and I hate the mall. Have you ever seen anything more miserable than a wife-towed husband in a mall?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Me neither.”
Now, I could have commiserated with him, but that’s not my thing. Pouring salt in the wounds is my thing. “Aw geez, that’s too bad. Boy, we had a great time. You ought to see one of the big Blue Catfish they’ve added to the aquarium... I’m telling you, you could feed a family of five with just one of those.”
“Then I hit the fishing department while the wife wandered over to the women’s clothing. I checked out the new reels... they’ve got some beauties... they’ve even got those geared saltwater reels like you see on that fishing show you like... what’s it called?”
“Monster Fish,” he whined. “Or Wicked Tuna.”
“Right... Wicked Tuna, that’s the one. Boy, those suckers are pricey though... some over five hundred bucks. It’s always nice to window shop, though. I kind of skipped through the fresh water section... I mean I only spent about an hour there. Then it was off to the saltwater section. I guess they’re a little too close to Austin and Dallas. They’ve downsized the saltwater gear. Oh well, there’s always Bass Pro Shop.”
“Hey, we could go there,” Duncan said hopefully.
“Maybe... but not today. Anyway, off I went to the gun section. I wanted to check out their black powder accessories, but what the heck? I took the time to get the feel of some of their handguns. They’ve got a nice little Taurus .38 I’d like to have. I used to own one... it’s easier to carry than my Security Six.”
“Bet yer wife hauled you out of that section quick,” Duncan said glumly.
“Heck no... didn’t you know she bought me my black powder guns and a nice over-under shotgun?” Like I said... salt in the wounds.
“I hate you.”