The Square Peg - Has Everybody Gone Mad??

The Square Peg - Has Everybody Gone Mad??

© S. Bradley Stoner

Okay, I confess. I don’t watch the Academy Award ceremonies on TV. Heck, I don’t even watch that much TV and, when I do, I prefer the non-fiction shows on cable. You know... military history, science, home repair shows... things like that. Oh, and NCIS and the Big Bang Theory. Other than that, I have better things to do with my time. This is why I am POed today.

Bingo Bob verbally assaulted me yesterday afternoon. It was Sunday and I could have done without it. He was excited that a movie was going to be on cable. He was going to throw a movie night bash at his house. Big screen TV, Dolby surround sound on his new home-built system with the best woofers, tweeters, transducers, full range, and I don’t know what other components. Apparently he was really proud of it.

“Yep... best home-built system money can buy!” Bob grinned broadly.

“Wow,” I marveled, “how long did it take you to build it?”

Bob hated it when I asked questions like that. He knows that I know he’s about as handy in the workshop as a lobster in a marble game. I know he wanted to ignore my question because he tried to glide past it. “Took a while, I’ll tell you that.”

“You must have had parts all over your living room,” I offered. Bob doesn’t have a shop. He’s converted his garage into an all-sports man cave with a roll up door. You know, for those balmy nights when the bug count is down.

“Okay... okay,” he muttered in a hoarse whisper, “my wife’s cousin Phil built it for me.”

“Ahhh... got it. Does Phil work cheap?”

“Geez... keep it down, will ya?” Bob whined.

I like to needle Bob a little now and then. Okay, I like to needle him every chance I get and this was a perfect opportunity, but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. I suppose my compassionate side told my imp side that it wasn’t nice to kick a guy when he was down. Either that, or it convinced me not to pick on the DIY-challenged. It could be an official disability some day. I let it go.

“So what’s the flick, Dick?”

“Who’s Dick?” he asked with a puzzled expression.

“Never mind. What movie are you watching?”

Now old Bob got excited... and animated. “Mad Max... I saw it on the big screen when it first came out. Took the kids. It was great!”

“Which one? The original with Mel Gibson, or the one with Tina Turner... Thunderdome, I think. Didn’t know they’d re-released it.”

Bob was stunned. His eyes rolled up and he let out an exasperated sigh. “Geez, don’t you watch the Oscars?! It’s the new one... you know, the one that won five Academy Awards! Most of any movie last year!”

“Well, if you saw it on the big screen, why do you want to see it on a big screen TV? Kind of redundant in a miniaturized way, isn’t it?”

“It’s gonna be a classic,” Bob returned rapturously. “You gotta see it! Come on over tonight... we’re doing beer and popcorn.”

“Well, that’s a pretty tempting offer,” I nodded, “but I think I’ll just catch it on my TV tonight. That way I don’t have to get dressed up.”

Bob scowled. He knew I was poking fun. Let’s face it, Bob’s idea of “dressed up” for movie night is a pair of old Bermuda shorts and a holey T-shirt that doesn’t quite cover his hairy belly. “I’ll loan you my binoculars sos you can see the movie on that tiny set you have.”

“At least I don’t have Fort Knox tied up in my entertainment,” I retorted.

“You don’t know what you’re missin’!” Bob shot back and, as he stomped off, “you coulda had a real home theater experience... but noooo.... mister high and mighty has better things to do.”

“Don’t sulk, Bob. Think of it this way... you won’t have a film critic commenting on the movie while you’re trying to enjoy it.”

“You wouldn’t know a great film if it jumped out of the can and bit you in the butt.”  The slam of his door set my ears to ringing.

Well, I decided to see what all the hoopla over this movie was all about, so I wasted about an hour last night before I threw up my hands and walked out of the room. Now understand, I like sci-fi. I’ve even been known to dip into post-apocalyptic fantasy once in a while. But seriously, this movie was crap.

Best Achievement in Film Editing... you’ve got to be kidding.

Best Achievement in Costume Design... well, if you like Halloween I suppose.

Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling... where have taste and sophistication in Lala Land gone?

Best Achievement in Sound Editing... if you like a cacophony of gunfire, punk rock and supercharged engines, maybe.

Best Achievement in Production Design... well that’s just bullsh#t.

Personally, I think this country is just enamored with anything from down under. The plot on this movie was thin as Saran Wrap^® and not nearly as strong. Bob buttonholed me this morning to ask what I thought. It was a short conversation.