The Square Peg - If Sportscasters Reported on Political Races
© S. Bradley Stoner
This is Johnny Benchwarmer reporting for Sports Network in this week’s Armchair Observer. We open with The Republican League.
While Uncle Ben is mending his image and driving for the division championship, the Donald says he hasn’t yet played his final trump card and fully expects to come out on top. Meanwhile, Jeb is beating the bushes for elusive votes only to have Ted cruise by and nearly push Marco off the field. Carly is computing the odds, but isn’t ready to pack it in just yet. The rest of the field is praying for a miracle, but have very little chance of getting to the playoffs.
Moving on to The Democratic League...
Although Hillary has a generous lead, liberally handing out promises to the fan base for a landslide win, Bernie is struggling to gain traction in the lopsided contest and O’Malley, captain of the wussiest state in the league, is fading fast. The remainder of the league doesn’t even figure in the final four, but continue to trash talk, trade for better players, and hope the top three exceed the spending cap and get penalized by the commissioner.
And finally, let’s consider The Commentators.
In the armchair quarterback contest, CNN and Fox News continue their battle to let the air out of the political footballs of each other’s favorite teams in their own version of Deflate Gate. Fox fired the first shot with the old Benghazi bungle, then served up a passel of email miscues and followed up by scoring the pack of lies delivered by a straight-faced frontrunner. CNN fired back by trying to trump Donald with accusations of buffoonery and using celebrity to pander to the public. When that failed, they went after Ben’s past, by mocking his ten-year old assertion that the pyramids were used to store grain when even his mommy knows that they store mummies... like the general fan base gives a damn. When that fell flat they gave a backhanded boost to Cris and Jeb, the two most liberal Republicans out there. When they saw Ted rising in the polls, they went after him, but he simply made them look like fools. Let’s face it, he’s the Mr. Spock of the political arena and everybody knows arguing with Spock just isn’t logical.
We close with a brief report on The Fans.
A quick poll of the fans throughout the country revealed that, by a margin of 76% they would all rather watch football... and then basketball... and then hockey... and then baseball... Heck, even soccer is a viable alternative. A minority of 12% was “somewhat” interested in the political races, while the remaining 12% actually had something worthwhile to do and just didn’t give a rat’s ass.
This is Johnny Benchwarmer and that’s this week’s report on the political races.