Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The Square Peg - Cat Food... or the Insidious Feminization of America

Cat Food
Copyright S, Bradley Stoner

I have a question. Does anybody out there know who is in charge of the cat food companies? Not the canned variety, the crunchy kind. I think they're headed by a conspiracy of individuals intent on making men feel inferior.

Have you ever looked at cat crunchies? I mean really looked at them? Do they come in those hard, masculine nuggets like dog food? Not on your life. They come in little circles and crosses. Circles are not masculine. And the crosses sometimes look like little imitations of female chromosomes. And if you mix the two kinds (shudder) they wind up being little circles with little crosses at the bottom... like this ♀... and we all know what that means.

My friend Emily told me that I was overreacting. They make them like that so the cute little kitties can chew them easier. "And, besides," she said, "pussycats are sort of feminine."

Now, I'll admit that they are soft and sort of cuddly, and that they purr a lot, but does that make them sissies? I ask you, what's feminine about bringing home a dead mouse and laying it on the table? Is is feminine to burp feathers? And why do they call it "tom-catting around" when men are just looking for a little fun? Is that feminine? Have you ever watched a cat stalking a robin in the grass? I'm telling you, beneath that soft, furry exterior there beats the heart of a cold-blooded killer.

I'm appealing to the good masculine sense of fairness out there. Can't one of you manufacturers make cat crunchies in golden nuggets? Do we have to give up everything? Is there no justice?! I say, "Men unite before it's too late! We must resist this feminist takeover of OUR world!"

I have to quit now. Emily just came in and whispered in my ear that we're out of cat food... and if I'm a really good boy, she'll have a special treat for me when we get back from the store.