The Square Peg - Are You Kidding Me??
©
S. Bradley Stoner
I was in the local electronics
store the other day and happened to be listening to a couple of millennials
extolling the virtues of “smart ware.” You know, smart phones, smart TVs, smart
communications… stuff like doorbells that take video so you can talk to folks
who ring your bell without you really being home, smart watches that can tell
you what your heartbeat, blood pressure are, where you are, and how many steps
you have taken during the day. Are you kidding me? Who needs that?
I don’t have much in the way of
smart technology. I have a smart phone that has done nothing for me but
convince me how dumb it is to carry the thing. Why? Because it’s a distraction.
I have notices set to vibrate so it won’t interrupt whatever it is I happen to
be doing. The downside, or upside depending on your point of view, is that it
puts a tingle in my pants. Crap, somebody posted in Facebook again. Do I look?
It might be important. Nah, nothing important gets posted to Facebook. That’s
just another time waster.
Oh, a smart phone is nice to have
to take pictures because it isn’t nearly as bulky as any of my cameras, but, on
the other hand, it isn’t much good for serious photography. For that you need a
real camera. I prefer the kind that uses real
film, but even that gets spoiled. If you don’t develop the film yourself, you
don’t get the negatives back. You get a digital disk. That way you can
“improve” your photos with any of a number of programs. It isn’t the same as
using an old-fashioned enlarger and manipulating the picture with focus, gel
filters, dodging and all those other archaic tricks.
I don’t have a fancy doorbell
with video and two-way communications. I don’t figure I need that. But, the
argument goes, you can catch burglars in the act and scare them away by
intoning, “What are you doing?” in a stern voice. Supposedly this will frighten
them away and if that doesn’t work, you’ll still have visual evidence of them
engaging in their nefarious deeds to show the cops. Now, I’ll grant you
burglars aren’t the brightest bulbs in the lamp, but even they are going to
figure out it’s hard to identify someone in a mask. I don’t worry about
burglars. I’m home most of the time and I have a couple of large caliber hand
cannons that will discourage them from carrying out their plans.
I have an Alexa that seems unable
to follow my commands unless it is to ask about the weather or play music. Nice
to have, but it really can’t do anything I can’t do for myself. I must admit,
however, that I have fun with her. I ask her questions she can’t answer, like,
“Do you work for the CIA?” Yeah, I know, I’m easily amused.
I don’t own a smart watch. I got
one as a gift, but it didn’t work with my Android, so I gave it to my oldest
who is a devotee of Apple products. He uses it to check his video feed that
gets activated when anybody comes to his front door and also to play his
I-tunes so he doesn’t have to get his I-phone out of his pocket. I’d need a
magnifying glass to see the screen. Keep your comments about my age to
yourself.
And smart TVs? I don’t own one…
in fact I own the Forrest Gump of color TVs. It’s like fourteen or fifteen
years old, but it still works great, perfect color and everything. The only
problem is that film credits, the program guides and subtitles are created for
smart TVs… on old Gumpy they show up about two millimeters high. Yeah, like I
can read those. I have Direct TV. I’m convinced the remote hates me. It’s a
smart remote, so I hate it back. It’s like a mutual disadmiration society. I
did go over to Bob’s one night to watch a game on his smart TV. It’s got a
fifty-inch screen. No problem seeing that. The missing pixels were a little
distracting though. Stupid smart TV.
